Functioning in Dysfunction

I grew up around dysfunction. Point, blank and this is not to say my mother didn't do the best she could or to bash. I'm saying that when you grow up in dysfunction you create your own sense of normalcy only to get out into the world and realize that it's not normal. Lately I've been realizing just how dysfunctional I am and I started thinking God this isn't normal. Most nights after work I immediately retreat to my room, this is just habit, I'm use to being alone for hours on end until I go to bed. It isn't that I had a bad day or am mad at the world, it's just what I do. As a child and a teenager my room or sleep was where I found solitude or peace. I could go days without communicating with anyone in my house growing up but my sister. I felt lost I the shuffle, I felt alone and unwanted and I'm just keeping it 100 right now I was unwanted. I was made to feel like I didn't belong for a good 7 years of my life it was like living with complete strangers. Everyone had their own things, we shared nothing not even a television, my sister and I slept in the same room with two televisions now to outsiders that seemed silly but nobody in my house got along so from toothpaste to tvs we didn't share. So I'd come home from school, close my door, put my headphones in and do it all over the next day. I'd spend weekends with my grandparents because well they were consistent in everything. We spent every other weekend until I was 13 with my dad well not with my dad a lot of times we were with his friends and my mother didn't know. So in a way we stayed with strangers (you can't tell me God didn't cover) He'd disappear and we'd see him on Sunday, go to church he'd take us back to our mom like we spent the whole darn weekend together. DYSFUNCTION! At 19 I moved in with my grandparents and for the first time stability was a part of my life! I even created my own world of consistency, everyday was the same and for five years I was fine with that until I started realizing that there was more. I started realizing that there was life outside of my routine... Here I was 25 and hadn't really lived, had no idea where to even begin! God definitely used my cousin in Virginia to help me take the first step. I'd never been away from Indiana or from Fort Wayne more than two weeks EVER! Her idea was spend 3 months in Virginia with her, I was excited but scared yet I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Came back a different person, couldn't settle into my routine anymore and felt like I was losing my mind, then God says move to a place that I hated and NEVER planned on moving. I fought him, I cried and I fought him but he basically said if you stay you'll DIE (spiritually, emotionally, financially) you will die here. There was nothing for me so after fighting with God I packed my things, stepped out on faith with my sister and my friend. Left with 1500 dollars in my account, no where to live, no job just hope and a bit of fear and it was HARD! First two weeks we stayed in a hotel and every night I'd silently cry in the bathroom and asked God why did you make me leave home?!! We found a place after two weeks and it wasn't the best but I thought it'll do for now, found a job after being here a month and then life happened. One thing after another, from flooding to flooding, too many issues to name my world crumbled and even though I had my sisters I felt alone. I was a temp for a company so I was unsure of how long I'd be there, I mentally checked out because this is what I would do when things got rough (dysfunction) I'd learned to block things out by sleeping, crying and just zoning out, depression and DYSFUNCTION! All I could think all day was I can't wait to get to my bed so I can disappear. Thing is I still had to face the next day. I started praying, I started praying hard, we started praying together HARD and then it had the nerve to get worse LOL! THE BIG flood came and wrecked what little sanity I had left ( I should be rocking silently right now but God). So now I have to stay in a place where I'm uncomfortable because I'm still suffering from DYSFUNCTION that I left so I thought 8 years ago... God I thought I'm going home, I am going home where there are people who love me and I don't have to struggle like this... He wouldn't let me. Found a new place and was so excited, it's so much nicer but it started off HARD lol. Coming to a place where it's not so hard and on days like today I just wanna lay before Jesus and not complain because I've seen HARDER, I've seen worse... I've had rougher moments! I've went days where I just didn't know how I was gonna do it but God... He keeps showing up and I keep trusting him. I keep asking him to shown me NORMAL LOL because somehow I'm still functioning in dysfunction. God I'm still standing even though statistics would say I should have lost it a long time ago. My sister reminded me a moment ago when I left my keys that I don't do well under pressure and that's a sign of immaturity. Of course I got mad at her LOL... But I just realized that I gotta fight, life is a fight... Nothing comes easy, nothing has came easy. I had dreams,plans and God wrecked them but I know his are better!! I know that because I've functioned for so long in dysfunction there's nowhere to look but UP! I know that because of what I've been though I can relate to people on levels the shallow minded can't! I told God I want a family someday... That shares EVERYTHING LOL! No secrets, no lies... Where no one is made to feel unimportant or unwanted, I want a family of my own that prays and builds each other up. One day I'm going to have it and I won't let my dysfunction interrupt, it will be a reminder of what I don't want. So after reading this you can judge, you can inbox me telling me to take it down or whatever but guess who's almost 30 and will block you LOL?? Oh that's right me... I'm done functioning in dysfunction, slowly God is making me whole even on days like this where I feel like walls have closed in! I love my mom so you can tell her I wrote this LOL... She's the best mom, she did everything she could to give us normalcy but either way God had a plan and he's using us for his glory, either way God was there even when I cursed his name. So God here's my dysfunction and I don't want it anymore... I don't need it anymore, I'm not holding it anymore because you are not a dysfunctional God! In you there's order, peace and stability. *Lay your dysfunctin at his feet, IT'S not the new normal! It's dysfunction anyway you dress it up it's dysfunction.Too many times we get comfortable in our dysfunction and label it normalcy. Defunction is never normal, it's JUST that it's all YOU know BUT you can change that you know that right? Give it to him! Be blessed until next time.. 

CDJ❤️