At 20 I was clueless but you couldn't tell me that because well I knew everything lol! I was so angry with God. 21 I was reckless, I was determined to do what I wanted, determined to get what I wanted even if I ran into wall after wall. 21 I did what I wanted, when I wanted with no regrets and no shame. 22 guilt started to sink in, regrets overwhelmed me and I thought this is not who I am yet I kept on doing "me". I had my first experience with God, I got baptized. 23 I went backwards, put myself in compromising positions, continued to disobey God and straddle fences. 24 and I got this, I'm on fire for God, I'm strong in my faith, I will not fall. *side eye* I became critical of others who stumbled and others who tripped. Almost 25 here I am and oops I failed again, slip up going backwards. 25 *BLINDS are pulled* covers are blown off... I see myself, I dislike what I see, I fast, pray, seek the face of God. I saw the ocean for the first time, I flew on a plane for the first time and I trusted God whole heartedly for the first time. 25 had a lot of first time moments and it started off incredible, within that frame God showed me that it was time to pack up my stuff. I laughed and questioned him like this can't be you... God how can I possibly survive on my own? I have nothing... I own nothing, I don't know where to start. No not now it is not the time. I went home after spending a summer on the east coast with my cousin and everything fell apart after coming back from my friendships to my job search... My life literally started falling apart. There'd be moments where things temporarily worked and then nope SLAMMING DOOR. I was once again upset with God. I was being obedient so I thought (celibate, attending church, fasting, praying) I was being obedient wasn't I? He said leave... No! Cried, prayed, fasted and packed my things. 26 here we go, I moved to a place I'd always hated! Everything was shifting, I got here and it was HARD and I am a runner! First sign of trouble or discomfort I'm running that's just my way of coping, I wanna run but what do I run back to?! Ok God I'm going to give it two months... Everything has to work out because you sent me here. Things aren't perfect but peaceful for a little... Nope! BOOM now I'm running because I have nothing. 6 months and I have nothing, my apartment flooded, I have no place to run. God wouldn't let me leave. It gets a little brighter but I have to start over, I have nothing but a roof over my head. Survived off of 75 bucks for 3 weeks because I started a new job and my pay was withheld... I got humble, I trusted him like never before. No more running. I'm 9 months into this journey and there will be no running, I'm here until he says otherwise. In 9 months I've carried pain, in 9 months I've carried struggle, in 9 months I've carried disappointment but I can see a light and it is so bright!! Nearly 7 years into my twenties and I can see some light... I can move a little, stretch a little and TRUST a lot! I'm about to give birth to some dreams, something's I didn't think would ever come forth. 9 months is almost up and I'm so excited about what God has in store.
❤️CDJ❤️
