Competition/Pettiness

Ladies why can't we ALL be great? Why do we have to compete, compare and constantly be at odds with one another? Why do we have to manipulate, force our opinions and out do each other? I for one want my sisters to be great... I want those around me to succeed and grow. I do my best to uplift and sometimes I could do a better job at uplifting those closest to me. If someone graduates, gets a promotion or when someone in my mid twenties world gets married I congratulate. There are times in my life where I've been over zealous and excited about new opportunities and wanted those closest to me to say yay or cheer me on. There have been moments where I've been talked out of dreams and choices but I'm learning to guard my heart ❤️ because it is so sensitive. Everyone can't speak into your life or advise you because some will do so out of jealousy. When negative comments are thrown at me I'm learning to simply brush them off. Sometimes people actually mean well and they may not do things to hinder you on purpose. I know about insecurities, I know about low self esteem but one thing I could never quite get the hang of was jealousy. I genuinely get happy when those that I love succeed. Now I know that many struggle with the green eyed monster and my hats off to those who admit that they've felt it. I remember feeling that emotion once and feeling physically ill... So Ill that I had to drop it and never share it with anyone. I had a time period where I was jealous of my little sister because she was far more talented vocally, she made friends easier and she was stronger than me. I never told her though because I did not want to be seen as jealous. It lasted only a short time because I couldn't linger there and felt guilty about being jealous of my BLOOD. I then began realizing that when she wins then I WIN and when she succeeds then I succeed. I began watching other girls and realized how deep jealousy can go. Jealousy can eat people alive, it can alter people's moods and hearts. I started doing nice things just because I felt like that's a great way to kill that cycle. Whether it's a young woman who seems to not be getting enough attention or a little girl who just needs love thrown at her. I vowed to never trip up or be malicious to another woman and this was all before God saved me. I have a temper (let me just put that out there) and when I get upset it is hard to come down off of my "anger high". I've been taken advantage of so much because of my so called sweet nature, I'm far from naive... I just can't connect with evil. If you cross me then that's on YOU, I don't wish anyone ill will. I won't ignore you, belittle you or get even because that's not in me. As bad as my temper gets an unforgiving spirit literally will kill me... I've tried holding grudges and I get physically ill, my blood pressure rises and it's all bad. My heart won't let me "hate" and only those who don't know me well will refer to me as stuck up. Why am I stuck up? Oh because I refuse to participate in the tearing down of others? Or because I don't hang around those who purposely cause discord and confusion. Never been one to go out of my way to have friends or change up my personality to fit in. I'm also not one who will purposely ignore those I dislike because I feel like adults should be cordial. I've been in more complicated, one sided friendships than I can count! I've been called stuck up more times than I can count... All because I don't seek attention for my good deeds or what I do to help others. I encourage all young women to check your circle this year... Look around you and ask do my friends love me for ME? When I need them are they there? Do they talk me out of dumb situations? Do they uplift me and pray for me genuinely? Chances are that if you're making stupid choices and those around you don't attempt to stop you then they don't care... By attempting to stop I mean praying for you, encouraging you to make better choices and decisions. For example I choose not to drink, everyone has an opinion on it and I choose to abstain from it. I'm not going to give some deep, religious reason either. I choose not to because I don't need my judgement clouded or my image distorted. I have young girls who look up to me and I have to be DIFFERENT so my approach and my choices stand out. If that makes me stuck up because I won't drink alcohol or hang out in clubs where drinking and smoking occurs then oh well. Notice I'm not coming for anyone or telling you what you should and shouldn't do. Those scenes and places don't interest me and if you've read my previous blogs you know what my stumbling blocks were. So I want to challenge you to start complimenting each other ladies... Even if it's just a simple line of encouragement start NOW. VIA FACEBOOK, TWITTER, INSTAGRAM ETC. Uplift somebody. Be blessed, until we meet again keep God first.

CDJ❤️

Current Status

Last day of 2013... It has been a rough one. From newness, to flooding (literally) to confusion, to heart ache. From finding out things about myself I dislike, to realizing God has a bigger plan for my life than I can see. From favor to blessings and trying to figure out what I did to deserve this grace. From sunshine and laughter to late night tears, prayer and sacrifice. I left my comfort zone and everything that made me feel secure. I left the only home I really ever knew... But I'm so very different than the girl I was at this point last year. I can pay my bills on my own, I can afford to do things and go places I could only dream of last year. I've literally seen the hand of God cover, protect and guide. I've literally watched him open doors and shut them. I've literally spent nights crying out to him because I couldn't figure out what the next day was going to hold. I've waivered in my faith when things got shaky but he stood firm. I literally got on my knees and told God that I didn't understand how others could sail through life while every single step I've taken has been long and rough. For the first time in my walk with him I didn't walk away, I wanted to give up and say I'm DONE but he wouldn't let me. Everything I set out to do this year has happened but not without a battle. It's been exactly 6 months since I left home and although I've had moments where I've questioned why I'm constantly reminded of the days I couldn't get out of bed... The nights I spent restless, unfullfilled and angry. A year ago I had nothing, no job and I prayed to God to just at least give me one where I could make minimum wage. I now make double that, I have my own office, a position that can wreck my nerves and people who drive me mad but I'll stop complaining. One day I know I'll work for myself and that he's got plans to make that happen but in this season I am learning contentment. I think I've cried more in the past two months than usual because of discomfort and just being out of my zone. It's a fight to stay focused on the fact that I have to move forward... It's a fight not to run back to my comfort zone and just "be." Learning to fight which is uncomfortable because I hate fighting, I hate struggle and I hate adversity. I can't be defeated so 2014 I'm ready for Round 2! I'm well equipped and though tears are falling I can't be pushed around by "life" anymore.