One Year

A year ago I sat on my pink carpet packing boxes and crying... I sat in my pink room alone and so afraid of this journey that God had told me to go on! A year ago I didn't know my right from my left... I didn't understand why God would take me from "comfort" or why he'd separate me from what I felt was all I needed. The past year of my life I've stumbled, I've fell, I've tripped but I've grown. I learned what being on your own truly is. I've learned how to get by, how to survive and how to pray. I learned how to love harder and how to navigate my way through this city which can be so cold at times. I learned how to look forward to quiet time with God and how to push even when it hurt. God I have become this woman who just wants to love people and live for you. I've become this woman who studies your word on her lunch breaks and who people stick up and vouch for... I've become this woman who has been shown so much favor and I don't understand any of it lol! I don't understand how three girls can come to a city with nothing but faith and end up with jobs with benefits and a beautiful home... I couldn't see my way out of a paper bag 6 months ago, I felt like you'd forsaken me God... I was angry with you for bringing me here and angry with you for letting me suffer. Through dark times you were molding and shaping and I'm so grateful for the nights spent crying and praying. Look at what you've done in a year... 

26 Taught Me...

Those who know me know that I am obsessed with birthdays LOL! Especially my own and it may seem childish but let me explain and share something I've never shared... I spent many years depressed, lonely, bitter and angry. On my 25th birthday I saw the ocean for the first time... I silently made a promise to God and myself that I would live every birthday from then on out to the fullest. I promised myself that I would never let another birthday come and go without experiencing something new (even if it was simply trying a new food) I got excited about life! In 8 days I turn 27 and it may not seem important to anyone else or even special but to me it's everything! 27 years I've been here and I've been through hell and back... 27 and I fought to get to this place, I crawled, I stumbled and I literally have seen the hand of God MOVE. In life I have learned to get excited even when nobody else around me is excited, I'm learning to be happy even if nobody else is happy and learning that nobody else should have to entertain or uplift me. 27 seems like an odd, boring number but to me it's a reminder of a prayer I prayed years ago to God... Before he and I even had a consistent relationship I still had conversations with God. I remember vividly and in great detail the conversation I had with him while sitting on my bedroom floor. I was 23 and up until that point I never wanted to be married, never wanted babies but all of sudden it seemed like my heart was changing along with my mind. I said," Ok God everyone seems to think it's not normal to not want a family and I guess my mind is changing. I want to get married between 27 and 30 and I want a child. I don't want to get married before or after this time frame!" In my foolish young mind I demanded that God follow my timeline LOL... In my foolish young mind I sat and told God what I wanted while not realizing that he does what he wants, when he wants! I really didn't get the concept that with God there aren't any time limits or time lines and that his timing is so different from our "human" time.  I've never been an anxious person and even when I wasn't walking with God I know that he was walking with me because I lived by the scripture: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 

I've never been an impatient person, I'm use to long suffering and even though at times I am a drama queen I've never been anxious. I was the girl who wasn't thinking about relationships 24/7 and I still am that girl, the one guys found hard to read because I'm not throwing myself at anyone or constantly looking for a relationship. I dated out of boredom in the past, I dated out of loneliness a lot and not for enjoyment. I dated because well that's what girls and women are suppose to do right? You're suppose to be thirsty and anxious to get married and have kids or something's wrong with you correct? I wasn't in a rush then and I'm not in a rush now because when it happens I need to be ready... I need to be comfortable within myself and sure about who I am. At 26 I've learned about who I am, I know more about myself and I'm much more comfortable in my skin but to say I've arrived would be a lie because none of us ever "ARRIVE" and I never want to be stuck in that mind frame of arriving. I recently began to understand where God wants me in ministry and I have a heart for young women, a passion for single women but I don't want the single life forever LOL! I have had the pleasure of getting to know myself before marriage and children, I've had the pleasure of getting to know who I am and what makes me TICK. 26 taught me more patience, 26 taught me long suffering and when I complain it prolongs the process... 26 taught me that I'm selfish at times, 26 taught me to shut up and pray! Most of all 26 taught me that time clocks, demands and time limits only cause us to find fault within ourselves. There's nothing wrong with getting married at 30, that's not getting married late... God has a set time and we've let society and people make us think that there is something wrong with not running down an aisle before 25. You're FINE and while you're waiting tell God exactly what it is that you need! Let him direct your path.

Until we meet again be blessed! 

❤️CDJ❤️ 

Functioning in Dysfunction

I grew up around dysfunction. Point, blank and this is not to say my mother didn't do the best she could or to bash. I'm saying that when you grow up in dysfunction you create your own sense of normalcy only to get out into the world and realize that it's not normal. Lately I've been realizing just how dysfunctional I am and I started thinking God this isn't normal. Most nights after work I immediately retreat to my room, this is just habit, I'm use to being alone for hours on end until I go to bed. It isn't that I had a bad day or am mad at the world, it's just what I do. As a child and a teenager my room or sleep was where I found solitude or peace. I could go days without communicating with anyone in my house growing up but my sister. I felt lost I the shuffle, I felt alone and unwanted and I'm just keeping it 100 right now I was unwanted. I was made to feel like I didn't belong for a good 7 years of my life it was like living with complete strangers. Everyone had their own things, we shared nothing not even a television, my sister and I slept in the same room with two televisions now to outsiders that seemed silly but nobody in my house got along so from toothpaste to tvs we didn't share. So I'd come home from school, close my door, put my headphones in and do it all over the next day. I'd spend weekends with my grandparents because well they were consistent in everything. We spent every other weekend until I was 13 with my dad well not with my dad a lot of times we were with his friends and my mother didn't know. So in a way we stayed with strangers (you can't tell me God didn't cover) He'd disappear and we'd see him on Sunday, go to church he'd take us back to our mom like we spent the whole darn weekend together. DYSFUNCTION! At 19 I moved in with my grandparents and for the first time stability was a part of my life! I even created my own world of consistency, everyday was the same and for five years I was fine with that until I started realizing that there was more. I started realizing that there was life outside of my routine... Here I was 25 and hadn't really lived, had no idea where to even begin! God definitely used my cousin in Virginia to help me take the first step. I'd never been away from Indiana or from Fort Wayne more than two weeks EVER! Her idea was spend 3 months in Virginia with her, I was excited but scared yet I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Came back a different person, couldn't settle into my routine anymore and felt like I was losing my mind, then God says move to a place that I hated and NEVER planned on moving. I fought him, I cried and I fought him but he basically said if you stay you'll DIE (spiritually, emotionally, financially) you will die here. There was nothing for me so after fighting with God I packed my things, stepped out on faith with my sister and my friend. Left with 1500 dollars in my account, no where to live, no job just hope and a bit of fear and it was HARD! First two weeks we stayed in a hotel and every night I'd silently cry in the bathroom and asked God why did you make me leave home?!! We found a place after two weeks and it wasn't the best but I thought it'll do for now, found a job after being here a month and then life happened. One thing after another, from flooding to flooding, too many issues to name my world crumbled and even though I had my sisters I felt alone. I was a temp for a company so I was unsure of how long I'd be there, I mentally checked out because this is what I would do when things got rough (dysfunction) I'd learned to block things out by sleeping, crying and just zoning out, depression and DYSFUNCTION! All I could think all day was I can't wait to get to my bed so I can disappear. Thing is I still had to face the next day. I started praying, I started praying hard, we started praying together HARD and then it had the nerve to get worse LOL! THE BIG flood came and wrecked what little sanity I had left ( I should be rocking silently right now but God). So now I have to stay in a place where I'm uncomfortable because I'm still suffering from DYSFUNCTION that I left so I thought 8 years ago... God I thought I'm going home, I am going home where there are people who love me and I don't have to struggle like this... He wouldn't let me. Found a new place and was so excited, it's so much nicer but it started off HARD lol. Coming to a place where it's not so hard and on days like today I just wanna lay before Jesus and not complain because I've seen HARDER, I've seen worse... I've had rougher moments! I've went days where I just didn't know how I was gonna do it but God... He keeps showing up and I keep trusting him. I keep asking him to shown me NORMAL LOL because somehow I'm still functioning in dysfunction. God I'm still standing even though statistics would say I should have lost it a long time ago. My sister reminded me a moment ago when I left my keys that I don't do well under pressure and that's a sign of immaturity. Of course I got mad at her LOL... But I just realized that I gotta fight, life is a fight... Nothing comes easy, nothing has came easy. I had dreams,plans and God wrecked them but I know his are better!! I know that because I've functioned for so long in dysfunction there's nowhere to look but UP! I know that because of what I've been though I can relate to people on levels the shallow minded can't! I told God I want a family someday... That shares EVERYTHING LOL! No secrets, no lies... Where no one is made to feel unimportant or unwanted, I want a family of my own that prays and builds each other up. One day I'm going to have it and I won't let my dysfunction interrupt, it will be a reminder of what I don't want. So after reading this you can judge, you can inbox me telling me to take it down or whatever but guess who's almost 30 and will block you LOL?? Oh that's right me... I'm done functioning in dysfunction, slowly God is making me whole even on days like this where I feel like walls have closed in! I love my mom so you can tell her I wrote this LOL... She's the best mom, she did everything she could to give us normalcy but either way God had a plan and he's using us for his glory, either way God was there even when I cursed his name. So God here's my dysfunction and I don't want it anymore... I don't need it anymore, I'm not holding it anymore because you are not a dysfunctional God! In you there's order, peace and stability. *Lay your dysfunctin at his feet, IT'S not the new normal! It's dysfunction anyway you dress it up it's dysfunction.Too many times we get comfortable in our dysfunction and label it normalcy. Defunction is never normal, it's JUST that it's all YOU know BUT you can change that you know that right? Give it to him! Be blessed until next time.. 

CDJ❤️

Comparison Is The Thief of Joy

"Comparison is the thief of joy"- Theodore Roosevelt 

Hey ladies! Thought we'd talk about comparing today! Let's get started... We do a lot of comparing, I think parents do it unknowingly in childhood by saying things like well look at your brother or sister they aren't crying or whining why don't you be a big girl like them? Over time seeds are planted, small seeds are planted and we grow into these competitive adults who have to have the best houses and cars to show off. Everything is a race, who's going to get the promotion, get married first or have children. Did you ever just sit and wonder why we do this? Why do we make everything a race? Why do we feel like everything needs a time limit? Why does a woman who's not married by 30 have to be considered a late bloomer? Why is it if a woman decides to have a baby at 35 she's too "old"?? Why do we do this? I've decided to ignore time limits see the God I serve has no limits and if I'm to be like him and walk with him why should I let silly things like time limits and clocks ticking control me? The bibles says I Hebrews 13:5-6:"Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. [6] So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."

We spend a great deal of time competing in life and as women we are made to think that there's something wrong if we aren't married by a certain age or that if we aren't in a relationship that we aren't good enough to be! What's wrong with getting to know yourself? What's wrong with taking time to be alone with God and growing in him? Absolutely nothing so I'm challenging you to throw away your internal "clocks" the ones that tick along with your family and friends questioning you about marriage and babies... You'll get married and five minutes later people are rushing you to have kids smh. Then you have a kid and they say so when are you having another?!! These people might mean well but they are pushers lol! Pushers are rarely helpers even though they mean no harm it can cause you to question what's wrong or find fault in yourself when you're just fine girl! So turn off the alarm... Keep your eyes on God and not statistics because we can mess up God's plan by listening to others, comparing and competing! We can mess up his plan by settling and not waiting on God's best. I don't have a type anymore because I've never dated God's way all of my dating experiences are BC (before Christ) so my mentality had to change to his system from the worlds. The world will tell you that you need to do this and that to get a man, God says follow me, I got you! Trust me, I got you... Take up my cross and learn my ways and follow my commandments and I got you! God says chill ladies LOL! My mentor often says your Adam is sleeping... Meaning don't GO waking up other people's Adams with your emotional self! As a woman you're not suppose to hunt a man down, he's to come after you! We are so impatient and then we complain about the way men treat us... Get somewhere and learn patience. I know it's all worth the wait. I dated randomly and lost a lot of self worth in that process for years. I'm 26 going on 27 and my whole life is ahead of me! I don't have time to wonder if every man that walks pass is my husband LOL! Focusing on Jesus so he can bring the "big picture" together. I trust him, you should too.

Be blessed, 

❤️CDJ ❤️

Beyonce

So this is not about Beyonce, I just wanted y'all to read LOL! Since you're here you might as well read it out though 😉  I promise to entertain and hold your interest. Since I did drag you here under false pretenses let's talk about Beyonce for a little. She is a beautiful woman who men drool over and women secretly envy, people turn heads at her every move, defend her honor more than they do President Obama and the ground she walks on is worshipped. Let's #Pause for a second and this is not to bash her, to destroy her name or throw shade because I was once a fan myself. I don't hate her, I hate how people act about her and have put her so high on this pedestal that none of us can meet her standard of beauty, talent and skill. 

The real title of this was suppose to be: Spirit Detox but I couldn't think of how to draw you in so I used deception. That's the enemy's tactic and tool all the time! Pure deception, you saw the name Beyonce and were automatically drawn by the mention. Why can't we be like that about Jesus?? Romans 1:29 states: "Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip."

We become so caught up in everything that's going on that we become almost immune to the things and people who are corrupting us. A little of this is alright it won't hurt me and this mess is kind of entertaining so I'll watch it. The other night I decided to tune into Real Housewives of Atlanta, I laughed at the fact that I once took these middle aged women with highschool drama seriously! You wanna know the odd part? That night I had a dream that me and Nene's husband got in a fight LOL and woke up upset! That's silly right? I don't know him! You see how the smallest things can alter our emotions? We watch mess then next thing we know we are having messy thoughts. 

I was an avid Scandal watcher and when God instructed me not to watch anymore I was so hesitant! I was like this isn't God, this is my emotions 😂 well duh we are emotional beings and God is a stabilizer! After Scandal my mind, heart would be racing like I was high and I kid you not I'd spend a week anticipating Thursday nights. God said you are promoting purity and mess how do you justify that Ciara??! I felt guilty and slowly I backed off. I was already struggling with celibacy so why on earth would I watch that and cause myself to stumble. The enemy is shifty, first season wasn't so bad but by then end of second season I was like oh ok God my spirit is being contaminated. It's not about whether you feel like you're easily influenced or not, if you rep Christ you have uphold his image. Since then my eyes have been opened so much and my spirit is so sensitive to the things I watch and listen to. 2 Peter 2:19: "They promise freedom, but they themselves are slaves of sin and corruption. For you are a slave to whatever controls you." 

It slips in when we make excuses and exceptions for the little things which turn into big things. 

GUARD YOUR HEART!!! Thanks for reading until we meet again, be blessed.

❤️CDJ❤️

3 A.M

I should be sleep but I can't seem to fall... Prayed awhile, closed my eyes, tossed turned only to get frustrated. I started thinking of so much, like the fact that my alarm will sound in 3 hrs and I haven't slept at all tonight and there's an 8 hr day ahead of me. Normally I'd stress but instead I prayed and decided now is a good time to write. Listening to the rain and feeling at peace with how far I've come in a years time. Life can get rough but I'm learning that we need the rain and those rough moments in order to grow. Yes we appreciate sunshine and we should enjoy it but rainy days and stormy seasons help us to grow. If not for those lonely days, nights, disappointments and heartache I could have never sympathized with those who are lost or hurting. I've noticed that a lot of people lack compassion for those who are going through especially if they've never been through that ordeal. People tend to compare struggles or tell people to get over things without fully understanding that no one can just "get over" something. If life were that easy then people wouldn't mask their hurt with drugs, sex or alcohol... They wouldn't constantly jump from relationship to relationship looking for something or someone to fill the void if they could simply get "over it." God has definitely helped me to get over something's but when I attempted to do so on my own I failed everytime. We spend too much time advising people on letting go, moving on but we lack compassion and don't have a solution as to how they should get over. We see people going through, we pray for them occasionally but sometimes we fail to pray about how to help them get through. We ask God to help them and we avoid getting involved... Are we not his hands and feet?  Are we not his instruments??  We get uncomfortable and we pretend that we don't see their hurt... We pray and say God will fix it! Yes he will but he just might be using you to help fix the situation, he might be using you to encourage and uplift. I believe that he sends people to us so that we can help show them the way because often times the only way they'll see Christ is through you. Eyes are heavy finally. Until we meet again be blessed! 

❤️CDJ❤️

Self Reflection

Just about 2 months shy of 27 and as I enter my late twenties phase I am nothing like the 19 year old girl who thought that at 20 you can do whatever you want. I'm nothing like the little girl who lived life by the seat of her pants, was short tempered, easily thrown off and confused about who she was. I'm so free right now... Free to live my life, follow Christ and his plan for me. 

At 20 I was clueless but you couldn't tell me that because well I knew everything lol! I was so angry with God.  21 I was reckless, I was determined to do what I wanted, determined to get what I wanted even if I ran into wall after wall. 21 I did what I wanted, when I wanted with no regrets and no shame. 22 guilt started to sink in, regrets overwhelmed me and I thought this is not who I am yet I kept on doing "me". I had my first experience with God, I got baptized. 23 I went backwards, put myself in compromising positions, continued to disobey God and straddle fences. 24 and I got this, I'm on fire for God, I'm strong in my faith, I will not fall. *side eye* I became critical of others who stumbled and others who tripped. Almost 25 here I am and oops I failed again, slip up going backwards. 25 *BLINDS are pulled* covers are blown off... I see myself, I dislike what I see, I fast, pray, seek the face of God. I saw the ocean for the first time, I flew on a plane for the first time and I trusted God whole heartedly for the first time. 25 had a lot of first time moments and it started off incredible, within that frame God showed me that it was time to pack up my stuff. I laughed and questioned him like this can't be you... God how can I possibly survive on my own? I have nothing... I own nothing, I don't know where to start. No not now it is not the time. I went home after spending a summer on the east coast with my cousin and everything fell apart after coming back from my friendships to my job search... My life literally started falling apart. There'd be moments where things temporarily worked and then nope SLAMMING DOOR. I was once again upset with God. I was being obedient so I thought (celibate, attending church, fasting, praying) I was being obedient wasn't I? He said leave... No! Cried, prayed, fasted and packed my things. 26 here we go, I moved to a place I'd always hated! Everything was shifting, I got here and it was HARD and I am a runner! First sign of trouble or discomfort I'm running that's just my way of coping, I wanna run but what do I run back to?! Ok God I'm going to give it two months... Everything has to work out because you sent me here. Things aren't perfect but peaceful for a little... Nope! BOOM now I'm running because I have nothing. 6 months and I have nothing, my apartment flooded, I have no place to run. God wouldn't let me leave. It gets a little brighter but I have to start over, I have nothing but a roof over my head. Survived off of 75 bucks for 3 weeks because I started a new job and my pay was withheld... I got humble, I trusted him like never before. No more running. I'm 9 months into this journey and there will be no running, I'm here until he says otherwise. In 9 months I've carried pain, in 9 months I've carried struggle, in 9 months I've carried disappointment but I can see a light and it is so bright!! Nearly 7 years into my twenties and I can see some light... I can move a little, stretch a little and TRUST a lot! I'm about to give birth to some dreams, something's I didn't think would ever come forth. 9 months is almost up and I'm so excited about what God has in store.

❤️CDJ❤️